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Leaving For Las Vegas?

I flew out to Las Vegas to interview for a position with US Vets. They're a very stable company and I'd be career counseling again. They offered me the job and I really want to take it, but the salary is very low. Right now I'm in litigation with the company I work for, and I'm hoping I will get a settlement for being sexually assaulted at work. I feel for any survivor of rape or abuse. The shame that comes along with guilt and depression is really overwhelming. I was at a place where I felt like I couldn't go on anymore. My place of employment was terrible to me after I reported the incident. Even though I was actively being stalked by our participant, they didn't offer me any sort of protection. The big slap in the face came when we received an email stating that they would be keeping the "Corporate doors," shut at all times for security reasons. I had asked to have my office changed so that I was more secure and they refused to help me out. They would do something as simple as changing my extension.

After I made the requests and the requests were denied, I received a call from our ex participant. He had been released from jail and it is my opinion that he called me to lay a guilt trip on me for reporting the incident. I think that the situation could have been handled in a different manner, but he broke the stipulations of his parole. Now I have a detective from the VA police who wants to arrest him for stalking and for sexual abuse. I was never told by my work to go to the VA police and finally a coworker told me that they were in our facility and that I need to talk to them. It turns out that my work should have directed me to see them immediately. I believe that my attorney is suing for sexual harassment and neglect. I was also harassed after the incident by a case manager who had my cell phone number. He started sending me racy messages and I wondered if he had heard about what had happened to me. I have a "no contact," order against our ex client and I haven't heard from him lately. I am still fearful that he will find me, and that's part of the reason I'm leaving for Vegas.

Stop Time

I just read my last journal entry from 2010 and I wanted to puke. It's been three years and Kyle won't stop torturing me. Yes, I love him dearly but our relationship was so volatile. He wouldn't stop drinking and I took Benzos to stop the pain. It was hard to watch him withdrawal from alcohol. I would usually let him sweat it out in the bedroom and I'd stay in the living room, or he would stay on the futon and I would let him go through delirium tremors. He didn't know that I cried for him, and that I prayed that things would get better. I had been friends with Kyle for nine years, and yes we had our fights but we always made up afterward.

About a week ago he told me that he was getting married. I don't believe this to be true be he doesn't have any means to support a wife. He has no job, no car and no previous job experience. He started a fight with me that was really vicious. I should have stopped talking to him immediately but we just kept fighting. Now that Kyle's mother is dead, I wonder if she watches us, and what must she think of our fights? I remember speaking to Kyle after his mother died. Literally, the same night that she died, and he was in complete shock. I wanted to be there but I was so sick and I couldn't make it to Houston.

He just lost his mother's dog and it's crushed him. I told him that I was sorry for his loss and he said, "No, you're not." I don't know why he thought I wasn't being sincere. I loved his family and I loved the animals. It made me sad too and he just kept spouting off. He claimed he had a right to drink because the dog had died, and while that might be true, he didn't have a right to verbally bash me for two hours.

Right now I need his friendship and support more than anything. Two months ago I started being, "Stalked," by a client of mine. He was one of my students and he got way too involved. He kept writing me letters and he wouldn't stop bothering me. I couldn't be mean because we're working with people who are extremely disturbed, so the letters continued. One day he was in my office and I got up to grab a print out for a student and he grabbed my crouch from under my dress. At that point I had to tell my boss and he was arrested (because he was court ordered to the program.) After telling my story, I have been working in a hostile work environment. I think they're afraid I'm going to sue, and the truth of the matter is, I do want to sue. They won't do anything to protect me from this guy, and I found out today that Human Resources never called his Parole Officer, so I had to do it.

After you're assaulted you feel guilt and shame. I even feel sympathy for him, and he is disgusting to do something like that to me, in my office. He wanted to marry me and have a new life together. He told me this on numerous occasions and I didn't say anything. I didn't really know how to respond. I am not a therapist. I do pray that things get better for him. He had cancer and he had told me a really horrible war story. I don't wish anything bad upon him, but I do want to be left alone.

I thought that Kyle could possibly help me with this problem. I thought he would be there for me and that I could count on him for moral support. Before he started the fight with me, we had been having really good conversations. I have no idea what made him flip out. I wonder if he needs mood stabilizers? He should probably be honest with his therapist and tell her that he's completely out of control. The funny this is, I'm not envious of any potential wife. I wouldn't want that job. She's going to have to deal with blackouts, empty liquor bottles, lies, manipulation, mindfucking, stealing, and his total lack of consideration for anyone but himself. I should have known that our relationship was doomed before it even started. Sometimes you can't control who you fall in love with, but you can certainly enter self preservation mode and get away. It took me way too long.

I guess I can understand how isolated and sad Kyle's mother must have felt. He probably did the same things to her, and maybe one day she couldn't take it anymore. He was constantly berating her and when he did it in front of me, I felt really uncomfortable.
It's taken me awhile to get used to the fact that I live in Houston now. I miss California quite a bit, but I like my new home. Sometimes it's hard coming home to an empty apartment so I'm adopting a cat named Sophie. She's a persian and she's seven years old. She has a very mean face and she doesn't like wet cat food. I didn't think I'd ever have a cat because I'm more of a dog lover, but I can't have a big dog in my apartment.

In terms of the guy situation, I have fallen for one. I won't mention his name but I care for him dearly. It's sad that love for me equals fear and panic. I get scared to get attached to anyone. I feel awful that I'm attached to him, and that I fear my life would not be the same without him in it. I promised myself that I would never feel that way again about a guy. I think he knows that he can push my buttons, and he can be extremely manipulative. He is not my type at all. It's true that you can't choose who you fall in love with. There are times when I wish that I didn't know him (as awful as that sounds.) His lifestyle is not condusive to my lifestyle and he does things that annoy the crap out of me, but I adore him.

Mar. 8th, 2010

This is my first time writing in my journal since I moved to Houston. I have a cute apartment and I'm liking life here. My job is stressful, but other than that, I like living in the country. I like the fact that I'm not that close to Houston. Humble is small and the people are nice.
I've spent a lot of time with my friend, Kyle. We'e been drinking and watching movies. I'm glad that I have support here. I do miss everyone in Los Angeles, but I'd never go back.

Dec. 16th, 2009

It's been almost a year since I've posted in my journal. I guess you could say that my life is full of drama right now. My boss took off on leave and now I'm left at the office with these weirdos that I can't really stand. I had made the decision that if my boss ever left, I would most likely go with her, or transfer to another school. At this point, I plan on going to another school. I spoke to the Director at the School in Houston and I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that I get that position. I interviewed twice for a position in Virginia and I'm waiting on that one. I just need to get the hell out of California. I'm so sick of the rude people and the crowds. We were in Texas for Thanksgiving and I fell in love with it.

People think I'm weird when I say that I love Texas, but I really do! The people are really friendly and I enjoy the scenery. I'd love to find a job in Dallas, but it looks like most of the jobs are in Houston. At this point I'm not going to be picky. I will definitely miss my family, but that's not a reason to stay here. I want to make a clean start and meet new people. I'm not engaged or attached so there's no real reason for me to stay here. I will miss the dogs, terribly, but I will be back every month to bring them treats.

So much drama has gone down at work. I really want my boss to come back but I don't know what's going on with her. I pray that she won't be fired, but who knows? I'm off to bed now, but I will post later.
I'm going to start journaling again because if I don't I know that I will go insane. My boss decided to take her third stress leave and this time she'll be gone for a month. I am now the sitting director of career services. I almost threw up today because I really didn't want it at first. Then I thought to myself, if I panic and don't man up right now, they're going to know how afraid I am. It's kind of like when you're around a child in a scary situation and you act just as scared as the child, there is no safety or hope when you don't man up. It was bad enough that my workload was enormous, now there is ONE person in our department and that one person is me. I'm angry at my boss because I thought of her as a friend. Obviously the feelings weren't mutual. She knew that she was going to leave and she didn't prepare me at all. I'm over being angry and now I'm at the point where I have to figure out what I'm going to do. Everyone has been really nice about it. Diana offered me her xanax but I declined. Then she gave me some chocolate and I felt better.

Jeff texted me today and said that when he got home from Utah he would give me a massage. That made me feel better but he won't be home until next Tuesday. I still don't know what's going on with us. I don't feel like being in a relationship right now. It's not that I don't like him, because I do. He's probably the best prospect I've had in a long time. He's so nice to me, and we get along really well. I just don't like the fact that his ex won't let go. If a guy told me to get lost, I would take my dignity with me and leave. Any woman or man that sticks around is crazy.

I am so tired right now but I don't feel like going to bed. I'm still stunned at what happened today. To be honest, it's sink or swim time. I'm not going to be afraid, and I'm definitely not going to fail.
It's been such a long time since I've updated my livejournal. I'm doing it now for therapeutic reasons. I don't feel like blogging on facebook or myspace because I don't want my ex classmates, friends, or old professors to see my entries. I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I need to make a choice. I really want to make a change. I've been thinking about getting a Masters Degree for quite awhile but I haven't done anything about it. Why? Because I procrastinate and I always figure that there will be time. What if there isn't time? What if something happens to me? I think about our classmate who died this past year and I wonder if she made plans, and I wonder what those plans were. I have a big problem making up my mind. There are so many things that I want to do and sometimes I feel like I'm overwhelmed with possibilities. At this point in my life I should have a couple of kids and be married, but that hasn't happened to me. I must accept the fact that God has different plans for me.

I really sat down and thought about what I like, and what I would be really good at. I'm very persistant and curious, and I think that I would make an awesome detective. I was talking to the police officer who recruits at my school and I asked him what the age limit was, and he said, "Katie, you're not too old." The problem is, Katie needs to get back into good shape. That will most likely take me six months. Law school entered my mind but then I thought about having to put in another two years of school, and the fact that it might take me longer because I'd have to work and go to school at the same time. I'm obsessed with true crime and mysteries, and I would like advocate for victims' rights. I told my parents and they didn't laugh at me. They didn't seem to be surprised. When I was 18 I wanted to join the FBI. I didn't do it because my parents pushed me to get a college degree and teach. Everyone in our family eventually teaches or goes into education.

If you enter the academy with a Bachelors, your chances of being promoted are doubled. I guess I'm in a place in my life where I see other possibilities. I'm not going to give up on having children. I do want that in my life but it's not going to happen now. I haven't found the right person, but I have faith that he is out there. I seem to be drawn to people who aren't right for me. I don't want someone who has a drinking problem or comes from a broken home. I'm very specific in what I want, and I don't like the idea of being with someone who hasn't seen stability in their life.

I haven't really felt like myself lately. I've reflected upon aspects of my life that are not in order. First of all, I need to become physically and spirtually healthy. The last time I lost a ton of weight I starved myself, and that won't work for me this time around. I'll just be a cranky, hungry bitch. So I've decided to eat, but to eat healthy. I want to play tennis again, and I want to be able to join a racket club at some point.

Anyhow, that's a tiny update on what has been going on in my life. Whenever I feel sad or down about something, I remember that people have it a hundred times worse than myself. Life is not easy, but it's also very beautiful and I don't want to stop living up to my own standards.

Recent photos

I've been letting my hair grow out to give to locks of love. It needs to get a tad bit longer and then I can't finally donate. I wonder if they'll take color processed hair? I would think so. The long hair is starting to grow on me. I actually like it. I used to have my hair cut every two months, but now I do it once every six months. I've had people tell me that they prefer me with long hair. I'm okay with both long and short.






Feb. 24th, 2009

Sadly I have a problem with internet shopping. Tonight I decided to unwind by buying a $80 dress from Ann Taylor. I don't know why I did it, but it was calling to me. In the last two months I've purchased two dresses from Ann Taylor and I don't really need a third but I figured, "What the hell." I guess that my day at work was rather hectic, so I deserved that overpriced piece of clothing. Hopefully I'll get it by my birthday, but if not, oh well. My birthday gift to myself is a nameplate necklace from Israel but I haven't ordered it yet. I have no idea what kind of font I want to use, so until then I'll be holding off on my order. I had a nameplate necklace for many years, but somehow it ended up getting lost. I have a feeling that when I was dating Matt, I left it over at his place and it was never returned. He had a pair of my earrings and he told me that if I didn't go out with him he wouldn't return them. They were roman glass earrings and I wanted them back badly, so I sucked it up and went out with him. I did get the earrings back, but in hindsight I don't know if it was worth it.

Work was somewhat crazy today. I did get a couple of leads (which made me very very happy.) At the end of the day, this crazy dude comes into my office to get his graduation clearance but he hadn't turned in a resume. I explained to him that I couldn't sign off until I had that resume and he got a huge attitude with me. He called his dingbat girlfriend to try to attach it and send it to me, but she didn't "get how to do it," so it never got sent. I finally realized that I was acting like a complete and utter cunt, and I just needed to chill out, so I told him, "Forget it." I made him promise to send it to me and he was very sincere about getting it to me as quickly as possible. I do have moments where I realize that I am being a bitch and I have to put myself in check. I remember being in college and having to deal with bureaucratic bullshit, and just getting tired and worn out. I don't want to be like that, and I never want a student to think that I'm not trying to help him.

Other than that I'm pretty tired and getting ready for graduation. It's amazing how many graduates we have who don't want to job search. The economy is so horrible that I would think that they would want to find something, but alas, they turn their noses up and refuse to return my phone calls. Today I discovered how delicious grape soda is, and how I could probably live off of it but I'd get diabetes. I went to the Dollar tree store and had a field day. If you like crafts and putting together bulletin boards, it's the place to go. I bought a bunch of stuff for our boards, and then I proceeded to buy candy for my candy dish on my desk. That will be gone within two days. I bought toothpaste, spring decorations and pop rocks.

I am so excited about the finale of "Big Love." I've grown to love that show so much, and the characters are very endearing. It bugs me when people pick on polygamists because they know nothing about their culture or their lifestyle. It's not like they're all "bad people," who have sex with their cousins or fuck 15 year old girls. I like the way that the show portrays a "functional," polygamist family. The actors are amazing and the writing is brilliant. I've been watching quite a bit of showtime too. I love, "The L Word," and "The United States Of Tara." I guess that I will continue paying for Showtime because I'm really digging all of their shows. Okay, it's my bedtime now. I will write more when I get the chance.


We found out that one of our classmates was killed by a murderer in the city of Redondo Beach. I had an ex (boyfriend,) who used to laugh at me when I told him that bad things happened in the beach cities. Well, guess who was right. My question is, why didn't any of the "men," in the bar offer to walk her out to her car. That makes me angry beyond belief. My friend Danny always made sure that I was safely in my car before I went anywhere, and he would call me when I got home. That's a real man. That's someone who cares about the well being of other people. I think that this girl's murderer will be found. I have a feeling that she knew him and that he was probably someone that she was very familiar with. It's scary to think that one day you are alive, and the next day you're in the middle of the desert in a plastic bag. I'm seriously thinking about writing up a list of all of the people who would want to do me in (because I've argued with quite a few guys too.) They say that she got into a fight with some dude at the bar. Torrance women are mouthy. It's just the way that we are. When I saw her father, I cried. I thought about my own dad and how devistated her would be if something happened to me. To this disgusting killer, Cori was just a piece of trash that he could kill and dispose. To the rest of us she was beautiful and strong and loving and didn't deserve to end up in a ditch. I used to think that guns were silly but now I'm thinking that they're not such a bad idea. I'm thinking about getting a .44 and some mace. I also want to enroll in kickboxing or self defense classes. It's fucking scary out there.

Anyhow, they had a vigil for her at the bar. The sign said, "RIP Cori," which is kind of Ironic because any one of them could have saved her life. You just don't let a girl walk out to her car alone. I know this due to experience, but some people don't. I hope that she went peacefully. If I could find him and put a bullet in his head, I would. There's no reason to take a beautiful soul away from her family because she dissed you.

I'm so sick right now. I have the flu because people came into work sick. I haven't eaten in three days which is a good thing because I could lose about ten pounds. That's the only positive thing about the flu. Anyhow, I'm happy to be alive and with my family and friends. I thank god every day that I am here, and that I am here for a purpose. Whatever that purpose may be. My heart goes out to her family because I know that they are in shock. Regardless, the killer deserves what is coming to him.


Katie In red

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